The Masturbational

There's a part of me I keep hidden, a ritual that unfolds in the privacy of my bedroom when I'm completely alone. Before I even think about touching myself, I'll pull out the small bag of makeup I've tucked away in my dresser. I'll meticulously apply foundation, smoothing it over my skin, followed by a dark, smoky eyeshadow that makes my eyes look unfamiliar and dramatic. The final touch is always a deep, bold lipstick, usually something dark red or plum. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, transformed and softened by the makeup, is the first spark of arousal. It's not about wanting to be a woman, but about the thrill of transgression and the creation of a different version of myself, one that feels more decadent and uninhibited. Seeing this painted, altered face staring back at me as I masturbate makes the entire act feel more illicit and intensely personal, a secret ceremony of pleasure that's all mine.