I am non-binary. This isn't a phase or a trend or something I decided on a whim. It's the quiet, constant truth of my life, a reality that I've known for as long as I can remember but have only recently found the words to articulate. It's the feeling of being slightly out of sync with the world's expectations, the discomfort of being slotted into a box that never fit. It's the relief of realizing I don't have to choose, that I can just exist in the messy, beautiful space between. It's me.

And I have a masturbation addiction.

There. I said it. The two feel so tangled up in each other, a knot of shame and self-discovery that I'm still trying to untangle. For a long time, the addiction was a way to escape the dysphoria. When the world felt too binary, too demanding, I could retreat into my body and my mind, where the rules didn't apply. It was a private world where I didn't have to perform a gender I didn't feel. I could just be a body, a collection of sensations, and for a few moments, the pressure to be a "man" or a "woman" would dissolve into a haze of pleasure and release.

But it's not just an escape anymore. It's a compulsion. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I do before I sleep. It's the way I procrastinate, the way I celebrate, the way I grieve. It's a constant, low-level hum of arousal under the surface of my daily life, a distraction that pulls me away from my work, my friends, my own healing. I'll lose hours to it, chasing a feeling that's become hollow, a release that brings no real peace, only a temporary void before the itch returns.

The shame is suffocating. I feel like a fraud. How can I claim to be on this journey of authentic self-discovery, of embracing my true non-binary self, when I'm trapped in this cycle? I worry that my addiction is just another way I'm broken, another piece of evidence that I'm not "really" non-binary, just a pervert using identity as an excuse. I look at others in my community, so strong and sure, and I feel like I'm hiding a dirty secret.

Sometimes, the addiction even feels connected to my identity in a warped way. In those private moments, I can explore my body without the judgment of the outside world. I can imagine myself as I truly feel, or as nothing at all. It's a twisted form of self-acceptance, a desperate attempt to connect with a self that I often can't bear to look at in the harsh light of day.

I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to reconcile these two fundamental parts of who I am: my gender identity, which feels like a path toward wholeness, and my addiction, which feels like a path toward self-destruction. I'm scared that I'll never be free, that I'll always be using this crutch, that I'll never be able to fully embrace my non-binary self because I'm too busy hiding in this compulsive loop.

This is my confession. I am non-binary, and I am addicted to masturbation. I am trying to be honest, with myself first and foremost. I don't have the answers, but for the first time, I'm admitting the question.