I swear my brain has the worst timing.

I was at the grocery store, minding my own business, doing the most unsexy task imaginable: comparing two brands of oatmeal like I’m some kind of breakfast sommelier. Then I turned into the next aisle and there it was… the most aggressively smooth-voiced person on a sample kiosk explaining cheese like it was a luxury car. I don’t know what it was — the confidence, the “let me tell you about mouthfeel,” the tiny black gloves — but my body was like, “oh, so we’re doing this right now?”

So I’m standing there with a basket like 🧍‍♂️, pretending I’m deeply invested in sodium content while my internal monologue is screaming “ACT NORMAL, BUY A VEGETABLE.” I did the classic move where you suddenly become fascinated by something on the bottom shelf. “Ah yes, the ancient mysteries of canned beans.”

It got worse because my phone buzzed and I thought it was a friend… nope. It was a reminder I set for myself: “Don’t forget to pick up bananas.” BANANAS. Like the universe was trying to make sure I didn’t recover.

I didn’t even buy the cheese. I just panicked, grabbed the first thing I saw (a bag of frozen peas), and speed-walked to self-checkout like I had committed a crime. The cashier hit me with the friendliest “How’s your day going?” and I almost said, “I’m fighting for my life.”

Anyway. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in aisle five, avoiding dairy and trying to remember how to be a person.